Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Of love and other demons (Del Amor y otros demonios)

I'm taking the title from the great Gabriel Garcia Marquez and one of his terrific books.
I'm alive. I think I'm well, or at least much better...except for the sleep. Haven't slept well in weeks. I'm averaging about 4 hours if I'm lucky...last night was a little better.

My breaking point came in the form of me breaking down in front of my desk, crying...sobbing...while my adolescent son came and hug me and told me everything was going to be ok. He also asked me to go wash my face because his shirt was now full of buggers and drool. I'm so hot & sexy.

It was just one of those weeks in which everything fails, everything was going wrong, family members with health issues, then our own money issues. Don't get me wrong, I am a fighter and if I wrote here some of the things I've survived a) you probably wont believe me or b) would have someone make me an offer to write a book.

I am well aware that just by the mere fact that we have a place to call home we are so very lucky. And as I drove by a bus stop and saw this poor woman freezing in the cold I was thankful to have a way of going around town with my kiddos. I know I have more than some, that was not the issue. I was f*ing feed up with not getting a break. We try and try so hard and it seems like there's always something. I know we all been there.

I couldn't sleep and then I couldn't get out of bed. I mean I would get up, take the hubs to the train station, make the little guy breakfast and climb back in bed. But there where some days that my hubs and oldest kid had to take care of I lay in bed. Was I depressed? maybe. I just needed to be, and cry, and get it out and collect my bearings so I could move on.

Some things have finally clear up and that's great. But all this left me with a feeling that I needed to clear up my life. I wanted to delete this blog and my FB account. But then I communicate with our family that is far away thru these means so instead I left FB for family only and cleared the majority of the blogs I followed- I'm down to 30...maybe I would cut down even more.

I know we each have to do what is best for us, so when I found myself being jealous and feeling like a pathetic looser because I couldn't paint my house, redecorate, have crafts and projects or have this terrific new pillow, vase, etc I knew it was time for change. I needed to read only blogs that make me feel good and happy. Blogs of people who sometimes struggle like me or one's that I felt where really sincere (AND YES Short & Chic is very important to me because she talks about nail polish and THAT is something I can afford. SOOOOO There.)

I'm still trying to get some more sleep, trying to relax more and think less. Not to worry about anything that is not completely necessary, be thankful that we ended this year WAY better than we start it, but over all I have to say I am thankful that I got help. I highly recommend my two therapists:

Ben & Jerry :)

Over & out

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