Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Adventures in Dating

Fair warning: These kinds of posts may be long so I decided I am going to be splitting them for easy reading.

So it’s only fair that I introduce you to the wonderful world of dating “Patricia’s Style”
HEHEHEHE Ok, so not really since I have no clue how on earth I manage to get married ~ I’m thinking hubs must have had temporary insanity or something but he is stuck now since I don’t believe in divorce: either he kills me or I’ll kill him :)

I have the worst dating record in history. And that my friends, is including fictitious characters that you may found around. If there was a weirdo or looser in a 20 mile radius, you can bet my beautiful huge ARS that I was attracted or was in contact with him. I am not even going to go into detail of the wonderful character I dated for 3 agonizing years, fighting my family over him, nurturing him back to health (both physically and psicologically), the fact that I quit a semester of college for him, and all the other crap I had to put up with…only to have him called me on a Friday afternoon to tell me he had met someone two weeks prior and that he was getting married that Saturday. Yeeeeeeahhhhh, he was nice that one.

Did I mention he kept calling me after that and wanting to be my “friend”? The sad part is that I did continue to be his friend for a few years until I finally cut his poisonous ass from my life. I can understand Serial killers after him.

No, my friends. I want to talk about the fun ones. The hysterical ones, the ones that where a little weird, the odd ones and the ones that are a lot of fun to talk about.

Let’s start with boyfriend #57 shall we? (I have no clue which number he was so this is just random and silly):

He was absolutely gorgeous. I actually saw him at his place of work one day and never ever dreamt that he would look at me. His name was Angel, and by golly he looked like one. Then one day I was walking downtown to get my car after a fight with the Mother. He is walking towards me and gives me a compliment on my eyes. I Think I said “yeah whatever” and he though that was cute and follow me in his car and offered me a ride. (Mind you this was back in the motherland where this is not so creepy). I told him no, but when I realized who it was, I ended up taking his number.

Oh Boy! The fun we had…well, not really but I have fun talking about him. He asked me to the movies. I told him yes but that 2nd oldest sis will tag along {I liked her, so that was my idea} he said he was ok with this. He picked us up on a Saturday evening and drove us to the movie theather. We parked, we walked, then he made the line for the tickets… he bought himself one and walked in…leaving me and my sister with our jaws dropping. We laughed and just got our own tickets. By the time we got inside he had already bought himself a Large Soda and Popcorn. Oh, don’t worry, he signal to the bag and asked me if I wanted some. Really? A handful just for me? I’m sorry but chivalry is not dead in my book. AND THEN he tried to kiss me Good Night. I-don’t-think-so. That was so weird and so funny that I decided it to give him a chance.

We talked and he was nice. But after a few weeks my birthday came and this guy (who by the way was in no way poor) did not even send me a card. My BFF (ha! I finally got a use for that!) had sent me a balloon arrangement with a Teddy and chocolates. I took the card that came with it and hide it. I was waiting for him to come visit that evening and I though maybe he was waiting to see me. No such luck. So when he asked me about the arrangement I innocently said “Oh my, I though it was from you!” Now I am not materialistic in any shape, size or form but one single rose or a card would have gone a long way, especially if you are trying to wow me. I cut him loose a few days after and he actually had the nerve to show up at my job and asked for a chance ‘cause he really liked me. Yeah, ok buddy. NEXT!

One more for today:

Proposed date guy #73

I met him thru Match.com when I was in a point in my life that I just wanted to go out and meet people. (Which my friends assured me was going to secure a prime position on the local newspaper headlines). He seemed normal thru his profile and we agreed to meet in person after a few weeks of talking online. I am not completely crazy (insert joke here) so I decided to meet him at the Manhattan Mall in NYC. I figure lots of people, lots of places to hide.

Before I proceed I should tell you that I’m short. I’m 5 feet full of sassiness tall just like Shakira. Too bad that’s where all the similitude’s end ~Carry on.

So when I saw him with book in hand (yeah, I went there) I was like “you are joking right?” I mean I know what 5” 10” looks like and you are definitely NOT IT. But I hate hurting people’s feelings so I decided to meet him anyways. He was nice and polite and preppy. He took me to a Japanese Restaurant and was a gentleman all the way. The conversation was nice, nothing earth shattering but as we walked back I though, well maybe I just gained a new friend. So we are talking and walking and we just passed in front of St. Patrick’s Cathedral and he turns his head to look at me and smiles and asked in the sweetest politest voice: "Do you like to be spanked?” and gave me the creepiest smile EVER.

I suddenly had a stomach ache and cut the night short. Uhm, No, no need to walk me to the train station, I will get on this cab right away or run from you like a bat out of hell, but thank you. Yeah, sure…of course I’ll email you. BYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. As I was running in my heels to hail that cab.

Over & Out

Not to give TMI but even if I did like that, seriously asking me? On a first date?
And yes, they are more dating stories to come :)

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