I live in MD so Crabby it is!

This is my venting window and my now unofficial way of journaling, so please bare with me as I turn myself in to an annoying crabby woman...just for today...indulge me.

This weekend started so pleasant, Friday the Sis and her hubs where off from work so we decided to take a mini road trip to go shopping (an hour and a half away) with the parents. We loved it, my little guy did so well, and even though I missed my big guy and the Hubs-he was working- we had tons of fun and I found some good deals.

We are being hit with Hurricane Irene so we had plan to stay home. I was a little annoyed that I've already gone shopping, and even though the hubs knows my cholesterol is high, he purchased even more junk (how much you ask? we have 1 cake, 1 box of donuts, 2 bags of chips, 1 bag of doritos, 1 box of cookies, 2 tubs of ice cream, 2 jumbo size cookies and cream bars, and one dark milkyway) so maybe that started to get me annoyed.

It has been really stressful with my parents here, I don't mind them is just that my house looks like a mess, there is an air mattress permanently on our living room now for the big kid since my parents are in his room, there is tons more for me to do, appointments to go, cleaning, cooking, even more laundry, tolerating my Mom-ster constant humming, the yelling to my dad 'cause he can't hear, he looses things, she gets frazzle, the fact that he has packed his bags 3 times and asks to leave...*sigh*

I told the hubs last week that we needed to talk, that I needed more help around the house, he said we would talk about it when he returned and we never did. Now, don't get me wrong, he is a good guy, lay back,I know he loves me etc, etc, but I know that with his increasing weight the laziness is in a new high level- there is no other explanation. I know I'm at home all the time and I don't mind doing the chores but for Pete's sake why can he help out a bit?

If I don't tell him to bathe, change or feed the little guy he just doesn't even acknowledge it. Is like he knows it has to be done but he just assume I will do it. For the first time in ages I've been so tired I'm actually sleeping at night, a good change but seriously I need help. I can clear the kitchen only for him to put dirty dishes in the sink, not even bothering to just put him in the DW. Leaves clothes around, doesn't help pick up the kids messes and when he does it looks half assed. I know sitting in from of the computer or watching the game is so much more fun but tonight I just had enough.

I cooked and after dinner I asked him to bathe the little guy (mind you is already 9:00pm-you would think he knows this NEEDS to be done) and then I notice the kitchen is still a mess-his one and only chore these days. I ask him if he rather clean the kitchen and he says that he'll do it later...90% of the time he does and then the other 10 he falls asleep and I have to end up cleaning it at midnight.

I waited for half and hour and I just started cleaning it, then he waltzes in and says "I got it" really? I'm almost done and you got it?

I told him I need more help and if I ask him to help out I prefer if he helps then and not and hour later (mind you the baby still not bathed). As always, when I have a complaint he turns into a 13 yr old and wants to walk away and says whatever. I explained to him that he himself asked me to tell him when I need something because he "gets lazy" but when I do he gets mad, walks away and don't speak to me for days...lovely, I know.

I told him this attitude wont do and we will end up divorcing if he doesn't communicate- he said "bring the lawyer". I got so freaking mad I told him to get the F* out. not the best course of action but I was fuming already. I ended up cleaning the kitchen, bathing the baby and he refused to leave the bedroom so I could put the baby to sleep. Usually if he tries to put him to sleep he falls asleep before the kiddo and I ended up...you guessed it...having to do it myself.

Our last fight was also intense because he refused to acknowledge he is not doing anything to loose the weight, I actually had to include his Sister ( we where visiting in NYC) because he lies to everyone saying he is doing good when he is not. He was mad at me before that because he thinks I don't really know what he eats or do, but I do KNOW he has not lost 1 lb. I know he has to make a choice but he wont and his medical condition scares me.

And now the laziness, I know this is part of being married, I know everyone argues, I just feel like a freaking single person doing it all, I feel alone in this journey to get healthier- now how on earth am I ever gonna do it if he keeps getting crap?- I just wish he understand how stressed I am, how much work I do in the house, with the family. I feel that if we where dating he would make an effort but now he takes me and what I do for granted.

Does every woman at home feels this way? what can I do better? how can I get thru him?

I hope tomorrow will be better, since I have even more family coming for lunch. I know (hope) by Monday we will be ok, he will apologize, I will tell him I'm sorry too, and all will be well. I hope so...but for now I'm venting, I'm crabby and I wish I was a drinker because I feel like I need one.

Over & out

The Zoo, earthquake and my Dad

My Dad is also here visiting, and in his normal fashion he is ready to go home. He has never liked being here, he likes being back home, playing Dominos and watching Baseball on his big leather chair. And so yesterday, to do something different I decided we should go have a picnic at the Zoo

and yes, I do own a picnic basket, cause I'm cool like that. You would think the place was empty on a Tuesday but it was so freaking packed, like the last weekend in the summer was happening. No worries, we still had fun and enjoyed walking around.

The kicker came when we where in the reptile area, we see this huge lizard move his head really fast, which was a little odd, and then we felt it. The earthquake got us there. To me it was not a big deal but people around here panicked a lot( I think they said it was 3.8). The downer was that they closed most of the animal viewing areas and eventually evacuated the Zoo, but overall we had a nice day...the traffic coming home, not so much.

My Little guy served as tour guide, and boy did he enjoyed the cooling mist

This was one of the little guy's favorite animals "Tiger, tiger, roar, roar- thanks Kai-lan"

My poor Dad it's having a hard time here, half the time he doesn't realize where he is, he forgets to shower so we have to remind him. After being a week here he said he finally realized he was at my house and "oh, no wonder your Mom felt so comfortable". If I go out he greets me like he just so me for the first time in ages. But overall we have to be thankful that physically he is still very healthy, he still remember my boys, specially the oldest.

Is just something we have to deal every day and is hard because my Mom has no patience. But she is learning...SLOWLY.

In good Fashion, my Mom and I are going shopping today. I need to get a dress for a wedding- OH and I got my new glasses...pictures soon.

Whats new with you?

Over & out

Yay for Friend Makin' Mondays

I have to go run some errands but I cannot miss another fabulous:

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: The Last Thing

1) What is the title of the last book you read? I am currently re-reading “Queen of the Dammed" so I can refresh my memory on the story line (This is part of the Vampire series that followed "Interview with a Vampire"

2) What is the last movie you saw in a theater? I saw twice Harry Potter :) there are a few movies I do want to go see though

3) Briefly describe the last person you saw today. my family, including kiddos and parents>>>>update to include the Pharmacist :)

4) Which store did you most recently shop in? SHOE SHOPPING @ Famous Footwear with the Mom-ster and Sis, but I didn't get anything. Saturday I did get some stuff from Old Navy & Target. (never mind by the time the pic uploaded Mom-ster and I went shoes shopping again, I GOT NEW HEELS!

5) Who’s the last person you spoke to over the phone? Just hanged up with the younger Sis :)

6) Where’s the last place you vacationed? well, not counting our little trips to NYC to see Family, we vacationed in the Caribbean: Dominican Republic :)

See our place? The one with the white wall over the rocks

7) When was the last time you kissed someone of the opposite sex? This Morning...saying buy to the Hubs.

8)What’s the last thing that made you laugh? My oldest changing the diaper on my youngest yesterday and screaming because he got poo on his belly button.

9) What’s the latest app that you downloaded on your phone? hahaha, I don't have a cell phone, weird, I know...but so freeing.

10) What’s the last kind thing you did for someone? besides making breakfast for the family, I helped someone at a Governmental Office get in the correct line.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! I always enjoy reading these from other bloggers so I hope you join.

Over & out

Yay weekend

Dad , me and the little guy, last year.

Uff, am I the only one exhausted?

I told my Mom I've work harder being at home than any where else I worked for pay before in my life. The thing is when she asked me if I rather be working I honestly smile and said no, I much rather be home.

Yes, I don't get to dress up in the morning or put full on make up, there are no lunch meetings, Christmas Bonuses, people to talk to, feeling "important" because you knew things, knew your job well, people rely on you and all that, but when I see my little guy drop grapes on the floor and he looks up at me and says "I'm sourry mummy" and know he means it , it melts my heart.

I've been able to teach him to count, to name animals, to find the moon at night, to find his nose, eyes, ears, to sing, to share. He has probably taught me even more in this past year (almost a year, can you believe it?) he laughs out loud for the silliest things, loves his brother to no end. Gives me his drooled cover cookies and tells me he loves me. No money can compare to that. Its silly and over stated that I have to implied I love my kids, but I do.

Even spending time with the Mom-ster and my Dad has been so nice, the little guy is already use to them being home, he jumps in bed with them and cuddles, I watch baseball games with my Dad, I'm actually setting the table each day to eat as a family as opposed to sitting in front of the TV. Ahhhhhhhhh it feels nice.

I finished the majority of my test, which let me tell you, the blood work hurt afterwards so much more than the Mammogram (have you had one? go get one!). And now I'm doing a heck of a lot of other appointments for my mom-ster...(oh and getting new glasses for me).

Next week there will be some shopping, that should be interesting. (by the way Urban Decay is having a huge sale -even loose pigments for $1!) Yeah, I got me some :)

This week was over whelming with appointments and at times I wanted to scream on how messy the house was: my parents are a little messy in their old age, my oldest decided to put an air mattress in the living room so he and the little guy could lay down...and then I say to myself:

WHO CARES!?

We are all together, this is the stuff my kids are going to remember, the fun they had, the stuff we did. And like I read some where: my kids are only going to have one childhood, make it a good one.

Over & out

New Stuff!

Short post to let you know my goodies came in!!!!

First my Birchbox box with:

Befine Exfoliating Cleanser
Befine Night Cream
kate spade new york Twirl - 3.4 fl oz (I may have to buy the big size of this one, is delicious)
blinc Mascara (aparently fantastic, made in Japan)
LIFTLAB Lift & Fix™ High Potency Solution
Twistband Hair Ties

Then my Zoya polishes (from L to R) Cynthia, Jem, Angelina and Envy.

I also got this baggie of goods from the Hubs cousin who works there...I already love their fluid sunscreen.

They are all sample size but I love how many goodies she got me :) including a pore refining mask, night treatments, clay mask...

Yay for samples, goodies, and new nail polishes.

Over & out

The Witch with a B

I already knew this week was going to be hectic, after all my parents are here, I have tons of medical test to do {nothing major}, the little guy has appointments, then my mother, then the bank. Thankfully we had an awesome weekend in NYC again - but remind me to never again travel on Saturday, I like my Friday nights.

above Bubba enjoying the drizzle in the park, below is what seems to be a replica of the Haunted Mansion...

Is actually the Van Cortlandt House {is inside the park}

The Baby Shower was not what I expected since people where late, tables where late, decor was not what I had in mind, but we all had a great time with family and that is more important.

My Parents flight got super dupper delayed so we stayed an extra night in NYC.

Now to the tittle of this post: now my parents came to see my Brother {who's ill} but also for some legal issues (because it involves the government I cannot say exactly what it is). It was confirmed that parasite that is my older Sister was the one who actually cause this trouble for my parents. My poor Mom-ster starred crying right there in the office, shaking her head, saying she could not believe she was so mean. I, on the other hand, stated hyperventilating and ready to punch the living crap out of her.

Is a good thing the chicken shit that she is she moved 6 hours away (my family has no contact with her after she moved at the beginning of this month, the rumor is that she is on vacation in Asia- if there is fairness in the world I hope she gets thrown in jail while she is there) Seeing my mother so distress just made me furious, is something to have some friendly diatribe with her all the time and other to jeopardize my parents livelihood just to be a despicable human been. If she was still in NJ I would be driving there to kick her ass and show her some respect. (YES I believe this case calls for violence) and I hope never to see here because I don't know what I would do to her.

Thankfully I was able to resolve the major issue with my Parents, I will keep doing the best I can for them. Now I'm off for a walk with my Dad (who didn't know he was in my house and almost had a panic attack because he didn't know where he was...but he remembers my son ).

Days like today remind me is so nice to have good family around, and then they are the assholes you wish you where never related to.

Over & out

Stepping on Dinosaurs

Today I feel like if I have Mumps...my throat hurts and it feels really swollen, like I have a lump in it...lovely. But I still did my Leslie Samson Cardio burning exercise! I don't feel so hot right now, so I'm not really caring that I keep stepping on Dinosaurs- cause they multiply here- nor that the big lego blocks are the worst thing to give to your kids when their Mom has OCD...but he loves it so all over they stay.

Bad timing to get sick, my schedule is crazy for the next 6 weeks but we are going to NYC this weekend. My lovely Sister in law, is due in September so we are having a small baby shower at the park. Should be lovely but not fancy, she is after all one of the simplest woman I've ever met in my life. She doesn't care for fashion, or makeup, or bags or heels. It's the strangest thing, but she is seriously a great SIL and a great friend.

Then I'll be at the Airport on Sunday picking up the Mom-ster and my Daddy-o, I can't wait to see them {yes, you read correct, and I'm not even being sarcastic}, should be fun to have an excuse to go out more, visit Georgetown cupcakes {which I will only have 1/2 of one} and shopping, apparently the Mom-ster comes with a plan of attacking all the store...my poor, poor Dad :)

On to some other stuff...I'm trying my hardest the work the coupon thing, sometimes I dont get it, some days I score. I actually signed up thru FB and got 2 coupons of $2.99 for Herbal Essences and Aussie and this is what I got:

I pay $0.40 total because the gal at WM combined the 2 coupons, score! I haven't use HE in ages but is free so I will give it a go (this one is for Long hair) and the Aussie I heard great things about it, even though I don't need that much conditioner but it smells SOOOOOOO good I had to get it.

And here is the stuff I got in the mail this week:

First I won this cereal package from the lovely Molly of Stilettos & Diapers, which includes this little contraption in which you can carry a bowl, a container for the milk and even the spoon!

This has been perfect for a snack for the little guy, and I got to try the Cinnamon burst which I LOVED.

I also order these trousers Jeans from QVC, they where on sale, and 3 payments...yeah, that works for me. They are still on sale but I actually got them for a few dollars less last week. I'll post a pic of me wearing them this weekend.

Oh, and next week I should have my Birchbox box and new nail polishes from Zoya (don't worry, got them on sale buy one get two, which is the only way I purchase them. If you are interested in their deals make sure to open a free account with them, they will send you an email when the next promo becomes available. Here are the colors I choose:

Zoya Jem (Jem, the music’s contagious, Outrageous! Jem is my name, no one else is the same, Jem is my name, JEM!- totally 80's kid)

Zoya Envy

Zoya Cynthia

and finally Zoya Angelina, and yes I was going for a dark period on nail polishes :)

I hope you guys are being healthy, staying beautiful and specially, sane!

Over & out

***pics of nails are totally NOT mine, I saved them from Google images when I was deciding on the colors and now have no clue where they are from***

Friend Makin Mondays, finally catching up

Thank you guys from the messages from my last post. I do think that I can focus on everything I've done wrong but start doing something better today. I'm actually still doing some medical stuff, test, mamograms, etc and I think this IS the first step on being a better healthier me.

My Mom-ster and Dad are arriving this weekend, part to see my brother, another part because the parasite that is my older former Sis is trying to ruin my Parents yet again. I don't want to do a whole post on negative stuff, but suffice to say we all have toxic people in our lives, I'm just lucky I cut her off years ago, My Mom and Dad just can't, they don't give up.

So for this week's FMM

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: A Letter To My Future Self

Dear Future Self,

I hope you are now on a healthier path, not only with eating but also taking care of yourself, remember that if you don't take of yourself first you can't take care of others.( I mean, seriously, take care of that body, I'm going to need it, ya' know?) I'm glad that you are focusing more on how you feel and not a number on the scale or a clothes tag. I'm dreaming of you waking up early in the morning and going for a run 'cause now this is your thing, and coming home to make breakfast in that dreamy white kitchen we've always talked about. I imagine by now you probably went crazy and had another child, is it a girl? are you freaked out? Don't you worry, you will do great regardless. I can see you now, all of you dressed up for Halloween and having a blast.

I'm sure by now you have become a stronger person, not letting people use you, still finding a balance and not getting confused between kindness and weakness. You know by now that the people that are meant to be in your life are still there.

How's the Hubs? is he healthy too? I'm sure he has done well also and you are probably returning back from that trip to Europe you guys wanted to go. I bet you guys had tons of fun there. I think I wonder the most is if you moved south like you wanted to or opted for the NY option. I'm hoping that whatever decision you made, you are still at home taking care of the kiddos and the pets, enjoying each day to the fullest and knowing how amazing this life you live is.

I know that you are happy, because even back now you where very happy, very loved and a very special woman full of potential. I hope the most that you haven't lost your sense of humor, your child like attitude and the faith you always had in the world and the people around you. I can't wait to be there and see what the world has come to.

Always,

Younger self

P.S

I hope our boot collection has grown a bit!

Now it’s your turn…Don’t forget to come back and link up!

And then the Doctor said those dreaded words...

you're fat.

Ok, she didn't actually said like that, but it felt that way. I saw her yesterday, but let me pedal back: as you know I want to loose some weight, it hasn't been for looks*lie* but because I want to be healthier. Lately with all the traveling and the ruckus at home I fail to log my food intake, and forget about exercising. I long ago decided not to weight myself but instead aimed for feeling healthier and how my clothes felt. I was thinking I should love myself no matter how much I weight, I can look cute and sexy if I want to. I watch shows like Drop Dead Diva and say "she looks good for a chunky girl", so I think is ok to be overweight.

And don't get me wrong, she looks gorgeous regardless of her size.

Then I started to feel more and more out of whack. Sleepless nights, then the days I did sleep I over slept so much I would wake up with a headache; my knee was hurting, then my left arm has been in constant pain, not been able to bend it with out feeling a pinch. Feeling sluggish, tired, AND skipping periods. I seriously though I was pregnant and did a home test...it was negative. Still my Aunt Flo didn't come. Two months without it. It was strange. I'm 35, so I didn't think I was going thru "the changes", so I made an appointment to see my Doctor.

I was dreading this because I knew she was going to be disappointed I haven't lost any weight. She had warned me about being closed to having serious problems (diabetes, heart condition, cholesterol).

Part of me was in denial, thinking I was doing ok, thinking I was doing my happy dance by just accepting myself the way I am (see happy dance below) when in reality every time I tried something and took it off again because I looked fat I KNEW how bad it was.

I'm not going to lie, seeing my brother in a Hospital bed gave me a jilt, I wanted to make sure I was ok. I was not prepared at all to see the scale...UGH...I don't even have the guts to post it here...is that bad. My Dr. who I like very much, is the type of Dr who will sit with you and look you in the eye and tell you the facts. It was hard because she saw I was shocked and nervous.

She told me about being over weight and the consecuences: the hormone imbalance, skipping periods, difficult conceiving, the increase chances of having a still birth, the hair growing in funny places, the joint pain, all of the things she told me previously PLUS the fact that I now need to be on top of my colon because of my Brother's cancer....sigh...

She asked me what it would take to motivate me and I told her the truth...I don't know.

I should do this for the kids, for me, for the way I want to live. So the Hubs and I had a serious discussion (remember, he also needs to loose weight) and he committed to being my partner and help me achieve the "From couch to 5k" program from Coolrunning. I'm praying I can do this, I need to. I will continue to search for motivation and inspiration but like my Dr. said no one can do this but me.

So if you have any tips, tricks, recipes, etc...please share them. I need all the help I can get.

Over & out

Friend Makin Mondays on a Wednesday afternoon

(Yes, this was supposed to be posted yesterday...and then life got in the way)

Sadly I missed this weeks posting on FMM but I love it so very much I just couldn't passed it completely. So here it is, on a warm Wednesday afternoon...one of those that is so hot you know is bound to rain, you can smell it in the air. The little guy decided to nap, after rubbing his eyes and declaring tiwre *tired* (or something like that) asked for cheche (milk) and grab the corner of his papi's pillow and off he went to dream land....

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Girly Questions

1. Do you like to shop? hecks-to-the-yeah, I love it. it doesn't matter if its going to Target for nail polish , spending an afternoon at the mall, or a late night browsing online sales, love it all. I just don't buy it all :)

2. How often do you wear makeup? used to be daily, now a few times a week, then there are those nights when I want to try a new look I want to recreate.

3. How do you feel about nail polish? well, since there are 2 plastic containers/organized thingies under my bathroom cabinet, I'll say I feel pretty passionate about it. It is the cheapest form to pamper yourself and look girly.

4. Do you consider yourself to be a feminist? not really. The whole idea that I want to be equal as a man is appalling to me. I don't want to be an equal, I don't want to be treated as one of the boys. So ok, If you want to work, independent, etc. if it is what you want; but I like having someone that I can depend and count on. I should have been born in the 50's *sigh*

5. What’s your biggest challenge as a woman? Thinking I have to prove myself and do it all, at one and perfect. I have learned {slowly} that it is ok to ask for help, it doesn't make me weak.

6. Do you wear skirts and dresses? Or do you prefer something else? I do both, although one of my goals is to get more dresses, is so much easier to look put together.

7. How do you feel about high heels? I'm 5' 0" so I've been wearing them forever. When I was on my last month of pregnancy it was so hard to switch to flats because I keep tripping on them, but now I have a good balance for both...but heels have my heart.

8. Do you subscribe to magazines? If so, which ones? MARTHA! I've been semi collecting them for years, specially the fall and halloween editions, Also Taste of Home. Just ran out on House Beautiful and Self...I get the subscriptions thru my coke rewards :)

9. Do you shave your legs/wax/ use depilatory creams or go au naturale? I shave mostly, wax when I have the time.

10. What do you like most about being a woman? I love most of it, I enjoy girly things, doing my nails, shopping, the makeup etc. I feel the negative aspects some times are brought, sadly, by other women. The competition to be better, thinner, prettier, etc.

There you have it...I have to go back and read others post. Sorry this was so late.

Over & out

The Art of saying NO

I tend to push myself so much every single day and on top of everything I {try} do I find it extremely difficult to say no to people. I've always been one to say that if I can help someone then I will. The problem is that I don't think I really know when I CAN'T or SHOULDN'T say yes.

It is very rewarding to be helpful, to be of assistant and to be caring of others but when you start to feel resentful because you are always doing for others (even when you know they wont do for you) or when you are so exhausted you think one more step and you will collapse...then I think is time to reevaluated the art of saying NO.

I've been the friend that gets up in the middle of the night to get a friend stuck at a parking lot in winter time, the one to drive back and forward to drop a friend if her car broke down, the one who goes to airports, doctor appointments, to house sit and take care of pets, the one who babysit kids if need be, to the point of being exhausted and sleepless as of late. Even though I do these things because I want to, there are times I don't want to do them and feel guilty and eventually cave in and say yes, only to feel used (specially when people don't reciprocate).

In the last week, I had to say no to request from a friend to get up at 5:30am to take her to work and to keep her cat at my home (fyi I have a cat that is not very friendly to other felines and such, plus I had no place for it). My friend would not give up and suggested I kept her cat in a closet or our bathroom, or even in my son's room locked in a cage while he studied. Things which I can't and wont do. Seems is hard for people to get a no from me, I think I may have upset her but in the end, I didn't want to do it. I had both my Hubs and the little guy sick and did not need the extra stress of caring for another pet, no matter if it was for a few hours.

The week before she asked me to take her to work again and I said we couldn't but she insisted so much Hubs say yes after all. Now I know she is a predicament with having no vehicle right now but I don't think she understand how hard it is for us to get up extra early, drive 25 min each way and rush to get our day started. I feel for her but I often wonder if she feels for me and our situation. I love her, and I don't mind helping once in a while but there are days when we really can't help.

In the mist of everything that is going on with my brother, I 've been so emotionally exhausted. Yes, it has been tiring to drive back and forward between 3 states so I can go see him, but that's not even what is the cause of my distress. He is doing better from the surgery and it's finally eating. Now we know that there is no cure for him and that he will die from this, but the immediate issue is where he is going to live.

Now, after reading this you may decided that I'm horrible but honestly, hear me out. In the mist of finding out the stage of my brother's cancer we where told he cannot longer live alone, the problem is his kids live abroad and he has been a loner and has no one to care for him. At the beginning I though this was something I could do, only to realize it would not only be an overwhelming task but also that I cannot have the means to do it.

We have no room in our place, we have no time, no financial resources and this would be a tremendous task to add to my already crazy life. A life that is exactly what I want and have chosen to live this way, but adding this would be something I do not sign up for or, what is worst, want to do.

I think I got carried away by the fact he was having emergency surgery and now, with a cool head, can see all the obstacles that would face me. I would be the one cleaning him when he gets sick, taking him to appointments, chemo, radiation, being a full time care giver, am I going to be able to take the little guy on trips? visit family in NYC? travel back home?

Yesterday alone I had to take the little guy to the Dr. while the hubs sweat a fever, then came home to make lunch, dinner, clean the bathroom, do 2 loads of laundry, etc. I cannot imagine adding even more to my load.

My hubs believes I can do this, and that I should. He believes I can do anything but honestly, no offense to him, he goes to work and I would be the one doing this...alone. Is my brother going to be ok having kids around him, jumping, moving, running, etc? or is he going to be bother since he likes to be alone? He has said he wants to speak to his younger kid because he believes he would stay with him in his current home (I don't think he will) because he does not want to leave his town.

I signed up for THIS crazy life that I have now, to be a SAHM, to care for my home, my kids, my husband. This is something that I welcome 99% of the time because it is the life we want together and what is best for us.

Is it ok to say no for my own sanity, health and well being? Is it ok to care deeply for someone but not want to take care of him? My younger Sis agrees that this is a task that I cannot accomplish without loosing my sanity. She believes he needs a different kind of care that I cannot provide for him, and saying no, if need be, would not make me a bad person.

I hope so. Because I seriously need to learn the art of saying NO.

Over & out

***pictures of the my homeland by Daniel E Liranzo