For years and years I blamed you for everything that happened to me. I cursed your name for all the pain you’ve caused me. I couldn’t figure it out why you where so cruel to me when I loved you so very much, I took care of you when you were mentally unstable and guided you with every step of your therapy.
For years, I kept thinking what could I’ve done differently to keep you. To make you want me. I couldn’t figure it out what you meant when you said you loved me but where not in love with me. Why would you be so cruel after years together to call me on a Friday to tell me you where going to get married the very next day with someone you just met a few weeks prior?. If that was your idea of honesty you where seriously mistaken. I remember very vividly that day...I remember I couldn’t even cry. I was in shock.
For the life of me I couldn’t understand why after all that you didn’t leave me alone. You kept calling me, writing to me. I tried to avoid your calls and letters, I tried to be strong and be at peace but you wouldn’t let me…telling me how much you missed me and care for me and how I was the only person in the world who truly understood you. I couldn’t figure it out why you couldn’t just let me be.
As the years passed, you always had the bad timing of contacting me when I was ready to be happy and move on with my life. It was like you had a sensor saying “hey-She is about to be happy-go bother her and confuse her just one more time”. Why did you always saw the need to inform me of your latest conquest and how you where cheating on your wife with this and that girl because they reminded you so much of me? Who does that?
I remember the last time I spoke to you…it was years ago and I was telling you something important to me and of course, you had to brush it off and toss it aside and made a mockery out of it. I had enough. I finally had the courage to tell you off and cut you off.
And for years I wonder how I would feel if I ever saw you again…I didn’t know. I was angry at you, hurt...I heard stories about you, none good. I knew you divorced her and actually remarried her… and continue to cheat on her.
Then it happened. This little social network I belong suggested you as a friend…I said to myself that it couldn't be…I went ahead and checked your profile and you looked the same…then it dawn one me… you posted an old picture of you!. uhm...interesting...then I saw your current pictures. You look so different now. You look old and consumed and miserable. You have the face of a person that hasn't sleep well in ages.
You don’t even look like the shadow of the man you use to be. You are balding too, which is just life’s little joke on you ‘cause you where always so dammed proud of your hair.
The pictures with your family look forced, none of you are smiling…not even in one picture. You and her are not even touching and are at opposite sides. You look frail and sad.
And then I realize I don’t blame you anymore. I caused all that on me back then. I allowed you to use me and abuse me. I allowed you to hurt me and then I came back for more. I was the dumb one thinking you where a good person that was just misunderstood, a good soul with bad habits. I defended you when deep down I knew everyone was right about you.
I was the one to blame, not you. You didn’t make me do those things, I did them in hopes that one day you where going to wake up and realize I was always there for you. That I was your one true love. Stupid little girl.
Now days I am a happy woman. A loved woman. A woman overjoyed with silliness, happiness, craziness and living my happily ever after -not without its trials but blessed none the less- with a man that cannot be more perfect for me. A man that has showed me that love does not have to hurt, a man that has made me his number one priority. I too am so very different from that girl I used to be.
I wish I can say I’m sad for you and what you've become. I wish I can be one of those people that can say “I wish you all the best” but God knows that’s not me.
So for now I will be true to myself and do exactly what I want to do:
Make fun at the fact that you are going bald while pointing and laughing at your pictures saying “la la lalalala” I’m so happy you look so bad!
Over & Out